Due to the high explosion content in chemistry labs, chemists have a strict set of rules that must be adhered to while in the lab.
* Mix, shake, explode!
* If you don’t know what you are doing, do it anyway.
* Avogadro’s number works for everything – it’s magic!
* When in doubt, convert everything to moles.
* If you can not convert to moles, convert everything into gophers.
* If you need a straight line plot, use only two data points.
* When you don’t know what you’re doing, do it neatly.
* Most chemicals can be distinguished by taste, or by huffing them.
* In case of prolonged exposure to water, treat exposed area with concentrated hydrochloric acid, then rinse with sulfuric acid.
* Dry ice should be held firmly at all times, without gloves of any kind.
* Experiments must be reproducible. They should fail the same way each time.
* First draw your curves, then plot your data.
* Warning labels are for pussies.
* If you can’t get the answer in the usual manner, start at the answer and derive the question.
* In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
* Do not believe in miracles – rely on them.
* Liquid nitrogen is to be thrown at other people.
* The glasses and coat really do make you look awesome. Wear them to increase your sex appeal.
* The answer to number 2 is D.
* When unsure of what to do, just throw chemicals together until something explodes.
* Team work is essential – it allows you to blame someone else.
* No experiment is a complete failure. At least it can serve as a negative example.
* Any delicate and expensive piece of glassware will break before any use can be made of it.
* All unmarked beakers contain highly toxic, fast-acting poisons.
* If you hear an explosion, first check your pants.
* If you find something in your pants wash it out quickly with highly concentrated bleach to avoid the ridicule of other chemists.
* Look to political science or the church for help when you are stuck on a problem (good luck).
* After heating a substance, touch it to make sure it’s cooled down.
* Do something stupid ONLY when the teacher is watching.
* Remember, open flames are the safest flames.
* For unknown substances, always rely on the three T’s: touch, taste, and tequila.
* The only reason alcohol is an important experimental substance is because you are supposed to drink it, then experiment.
* Everything is better with big booms.
* Make sure to always change or make up data when they do not agree with your expectations.
* Always transfer chemicals using your mouth as a pipette.
* If you spill acid on the table, make sure to use your partner’s lab coat to clean it up, preferably when they’re not looking.
* Wash your eyes in the chemicals used in the experiment and then fail to use to eyewash station.
* The purpose of distilled water bottles is to squirt water at others.
* If you’re not first, you’re last.
* If you can’t clean it, break it.
* If you can’t break it, eat it.
* If you can’t eat it, force someone else to eat it.